I wanted to do an EOTD for tonight but after seeing my puffy swollen red eyes, I'll have to postphone it. Tonight just happens to be one night I'm feeling bloody down and low. I don't want no symphaties I just want to finally let it out from my mind.
The original Rider-Waite Fool
I feel like such a fool. It all started when I fell hard for a guy that I met for 3 weeks and after just another couple of weeks, he disappeared. Completely. He refuses to answer my sms-es or pick up my calls. I understand that he's probably busy with work, handling the company and flying here and there but a simple call or message replying me would really be nice.
I realize that from the start of this so called 'relationship' everything has been wrong. From the fact that we went out too fast and too soon but what's done is done. Perhaps I've said a few wrong things just as well and perhaps I didn't turn out to be what he wanted or thought I was or perhaps I got stinky feet although I don't think so, nyahahahha!
Guess I'll hang around a little bit more~
In the end of the day, I'm left hanging. I'm not sure what I am to him. Only a few knows of our relationship and for me to move on now is hard because part of my is confused. I'm still waiting for him to clarify so I can move on. I hesitate on moving on just in case he comes back. Silly as it sounds but I'll be more than happy to be with him but just as well, if it has to be, I don't mind being just his friend. All I want to know is what I am to him. It's easy to say, "Oh just take him as a good friend for now" but if I take him as a good friend then does that mean I'm more than free to start dating others? But then if I start dating others wouldn't that give him the reason to say that I'm 'cheating' on him?
I once asked him what I was to him, he couldn't answer me. All I gather was that I was more than a friend, more that a close friend, more than a good friend but he couldn't say the girlfriend word. Perhaps I was wrong to kept asking for an answer but I wanted to asesse my potision then and feel more secure. That was my downfall I admit.
In the end, he did say that I wasn't who he thought I was. Ouch, that hurts. LOL!
That's me!!
We knew each other from a mutual friend in a pub and my first impression about him was that our mutual friend was trying to hook him and Elisa together. So I never bothered about him. It was fun talking to him because I never had to 'put on an act' and be all girl-ish in front of him. He was just a friend so I felt comfortable in talking to him minus all filters. Little did I know, things were going to get more complicated from here on.
Elyn, I remember your words as well as the story, it's always at the back of my head but sometimes it's just so hard when all I think is him.
I guess, the only thing that I can do is wait and see how everything goes. I can't wait for the stupid heartache and the thoughts of ever loving him comes to a pass.
I want back my heart, Dammit!
Give it back, you ebil Casanova!
Give it back, you ebil Casanova!
P.s: In tarots term, The Fool doesn't literally means that we're a fool XD
P.s.s: I felt so much better just typing all this out and having a good cry. As embarrassing as it is but once everything came out, a huge burden got lifted and I felt...relieved in a way. Yes, I'm still waiting for him but no longer as anxiously anymore. I've started to let little by little go and it feels good. Thank you everyone! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
10 comments:
Be strong ash....dun give up....he is just blinded because YOU, my dear, are TOO GOOD for him!
A men who doesn't appreciate a good effort a woman do for him is a useless b*****d!
There are better guys out there!
What he done to do reminds me of someone similar too! Those kinda men are WORTHLESS,USELESS MEN!
So, my advise, DON'T BOTHER to even contact him anymore, or even calling him 'a friend'. Cuz, he's not even worth to be a friend now! YOU, ASH, are TOO VALUABLE for him!
Be strong, you are worth more than you know! You'll find someone better! :)
Aah this can be so frustrating sometimes!! And guys can be really annoying when it comes to saying what he feels, in a way I think they are more a mystery than girls, because they never say directly what they mean or feel or is this already a sign that they are not THAT in to you? I don't know...
Sometimes it would be easier to take your heart and place it in a pretty treasure chest. And if things get too confusing or too complicated, that you can shut off your mind and be on an island surrounded with palm trees, the sea and no worries! *hugs!!*
Ashley, I do not want to say anything just yet until I see you again soon. All I want to do right now is keeping quiet and hug you real tight. It is hard as falling never meant to be easy. You are not a fool stop that.
Oh my gosh dear ! This story sounds so familiar & it always happens to us girls. I wonder how guys can just suddenly act like nothing has happened but in actually fact, something actually happened. They always leave us feeling confused with lots of question marks ! And we are like the fools, always refuse to believe he is like that, and hope that he'll come back one day, which most of the time doesnt happen. I totally understand how down you're feeling right now. Nothing and no one can help you, only time will heal everything. However, time always takes awhile. So hang on in there =)
@Hey Sam
I can't tell you how much your words actually mean to me, thank you, I truly truly appreciate them.
After writing the post, I never felt so relieved before. The burden did get lifted off my chest and I felt so much better
Reading everyone's encouragements and advise really help as well. With you guys around, the road to recovery ain't too hard and long. Thank you!
@TJ
Indeed, the part when they don't say anything is the hardest
Oh, you forgot to add Pina Colada in hands to go with the island, palm trees and sea, LOL!
@Elyn
I know you're not feeling well and I don't want you to keep coming over perhaps one of these days, I'll go see you instead :D
A hug would really be nice...me miss you lots already
@Shenay
Ahh, the whole scenario sounds so true. LOL. In a way I still want to wait for him to return but if he can open his mouth and say bye bye, that's fine just as well. At least then I don't have to wait no more.
Thanks anyway!!! <3
Ash, maybe EOTD of gold or turquoise color? :)
Im totally on your side. Do not just let yourself down because of this. I totally more understand you when I read this post, the way how you felt. No worries, I will try my best to help if I got the chance to.
HHHuuuuugggss*
Haha How could I forget that! The most important thing! May I add an umbrella as well?
I also forgot to give you a color for a possible EOTD? How about something in green? purple?
What Skylicious suggested sounds very nice! Perhaps you can combine gold and turquoise together!
Ashley, did you watched the movie named ' He's just not that into you'? It's very meaningful and is a nice movie... You'll get the meaning if you'd watched it... And dun think yourself is a fool, coz if u think u r, then u r, if u think another way round, it's not anymore... We, girls/woman gotta know how to love ourselves and enjoy life... Crying definately not good for u... Take care ya... :)
Some times it's just good to get stuff off your chest, vent to us as much as you need to. You know we'll always be here for you.
& about dating other people. My rule is, if nothing is said about restrictions and becoming exclusive, you're free to do what you wish. If a guy really wanted you, then they'd make it clear that you two had a realtionship. I saw just move and and forget that jerk! you don't deserve to be ignored, and even if he doesn't start picking up or calling you back, don't accept his excueses.
You're too good of a girl to be treated like that!! <3
@Hey Kern
Thank you, I'll try out turquoise but I'm not too good with gold so I'm gonna try out a bit more before posting anything :P
I don't think anyone can help d, I'm happy if he's around but when he's not, I'm fine too d. I'm starting to feel much better :D
@Gorgeous TJ
LOL, yes yes, an umbrella is much needed..
I think I'll try a green, I've done purple before for Naomi's contest I think and purple was a pain in the ass for me. LOL. makes my eyes look swollen :P
@Chris
Crying is a form for me to relief stress I guess. It's bad but everything just seem much better after a good cry. Like how everything seems a little nicer after the rain. LOL
I'll watch the film when I have the time :D
@Dana
Hey there beautiful,
Thank you! <3
I definitely agree with that you said about "If a guy really wanted you, then they'd make it clear that you two had a realtionship" but i fear that in this case, it might be me liking him more. LOL but don't worry, I'm slowly letting go ^-^
Thank you so much for the words <33
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