I wanted to do an EOTD for tonight but after seeing my puffy swollen red eyes, I'll have to postphone it. Tonight just happens to be one night I'm feeling bloody down and low. I don't want no symphaties I just want to finally let it out from my mind.
I feel like such a fool. It all started when I fell hard for a guy that I met for 3 weeks and after just another couple of weeks, he disappeared. Completely. He refuses to answer my sms-es or pick up my calls. I understand that he's probably busy with work, handling the company and flying here and there but a simple call or message replying me would really be nice.
I realize that from the start of this so called 'relationship' everything has been wrong. From the fact that we went out too fast and too soon but what's done is done. Perhaps I've said a few wrong things just as well and perhaps I didn't turn out to be what he wanted or thought I was or perhaps I got stinky feet although I don't think so, nyahahahha!
In the end of the day, I'm left hanging. I'm not sure what I am to him. Only a few knows of our relationship and for me to move on now is hard because part of my is confused. I'm still waiting for him to clarify so I can move on. I hesitate on moving on just in case he comes back. Silly as it sounds but I'll be more than happy to be with him but just as well, if it has to be, I don't mind being just his friend. All I want to know is what I am to him. It's easy to say, "Oh just take him as a good friend for now" but if I take him as a good friend then does that mean I'm more than free to start dating others? But then if I start dating others wouldn't that give him the reason to say that I'm 'cheating' on him?
I once asked him what I was to him, he couldn't answer me. All I gather was that I was more than a friend, more that a close friend, more than a good friend but he couldn't say the girlfriend word. Perhaps I was wrong to kept asking for an answer but I wanted to asesse my potision then and feel more secure. That was my downfall I admit.
In the end, he did say that I wasn't who he thought I was. Ouch, that hurts. LOL!
We knew each other from a mutual friend in a pub and my first impression about him was that our mutual friend was trying to hook him and Elisa together. So I never bothered about him. It was fun talking to him because I never had to 'put on an act' and be all girl-ish in front of him. He was just a friend so I felt comfortable in talking to him minus all filters. Little did I know, things were going to get more complicated from here on.
Elyn, I remember your words as well as the story, it's always at the back of my head but sometimes it's just so hard when all I think is him.
I guess, the only thing that I can do is wait and see how everything goes. I can't wait for the stupid heartache and the thoughts of ever loving him comes to a pass.
Give it back, you ebil Casanova!
P.s: In tarots term, The Fool doesn't literally means that we're a fool XD
P.s.s: I felt so much better just typing all this out and having a good cry. As embarrassing as it is but once everything came out, a huge burden got lifted and I felt...relieved in a way. Yes, I'm still waiting for him but no longer as anxiously anymore. I've started to let little by little go and it feels good. Thank you everyone! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!